Nothing Is By Chance

I've said so many times that nothing happens by chance,
Everything happens for a reason...


*---- Quote of the Day ----*

Nothing is by chance. There is a perfect pattern and plan
running through the whole life, and you're part of that
wholeness and therefore part of that perfect pattern & plan.
When you see strange things happening in your life and
wonder why they should happen to you, take time to see how
it all fits in, and you will see a reason for everything.
The reason may not be always what you expected, but never-
theless be willing to accept them and to learn by them, and
do not fight against them. Life should be effortless. A
flower does not struggle to unfold in the rays of the sun,
so why should you struggle to unfold in the rays of My
limitless love?
--Eileen Caddy, Spiritual guide and author

dykes on bikes

So this is old news, deal with it.
I started a new job in March and moved to a new unit at the end of April. The Neuroscience Institute has affiliated itself with my hospital and we have a newly remodeled unit, new staff and new charge nurse. I'm new to the area so I have been sitting back taking everything in, trying to get a handle on everyone. My gaydar went off with this new charge nurse, but she was using pronouns that led me to believe that she was with someone, maybe a man, maybe a woman.

Fast forward to Pride weekend, the parade. Dykes on Bikes are leading the parade and there are at least a 100 bikes. There in front of my very eyes was my charge nurse driving her bike with a woman holding on tight behind her. I was a little surprised and blurted out "that's my charge nurse!". The cameras came out and there we had her on film. I emailed it to my charge nurse not knowing if she was out at work. Since I had asked for that Sunday off and made a trade for my shift, she thought I might be in attendance. Isn't that a riot? So, the other day I took my soy filled angel to Starbucks and we met my dyke on bike charge nurse and her g/f. We eneded up at her place, ordering pizza and having drinks...for 6 hours! I'm actually very glad this happened. I was not getting the best of vibes at work from the staff, and it's an old Catholic institution that has been bought out by the current medical center. Let's just say that I have been hesitant to disclose anything too personal in this new setting. Things are looking up and we are making new friends. I've been a vagabond for so long, it's nice to have a place to plant roots again. It's beginning to feel like summer. And so we move gaily forward.

Tonight it's the Storm vs Liberty's, tomorrow Indigo Girls. I have a feeling it's just the beginning of a great summer in our new city. Life is a curious thing sometimes.

Not all those who wonder are lost.

Not all those who wonder are lost.
--J.R.R. Tolkien






Indiana.

Rural green
blue sky extreme
sticky hot
beads of sweat

small town sweet
simple life
quiet breeze
shade trees

horizons view
skies brew
night of day
funnel on the way

corn and beans
fields of dreams
honeydew
tomato from the vine

summers day
pillow fights
softball queens
dance the bird

lake capped white
waterski
brilliant sun
turns skin red

blizzards blow
drifting snow
no school
but snowmobiles

Benatar in stereo
playing spoons
rocky horror
beakfast 2am

searching souls
chosen path
lead away
spirit evolves

journey of life
new experiences
treasured memories
of home

a keeper

This picture was taken in 1988, my Pooh was merely a baby. Now she is 18 and just as lovable as ever. I took her for a walk today, the sun shining on my skin, a light breeze rustling the leaves in the trees, the faint scent of flowers duly noted. A good day this was, my Pooh and I sitting, enjoying the day. This is one of those days when I had absolutely no plans. What a wonderful feeling that is. Pooh nose in the air smelling all that the wind could carry her way, seeing none of it, blackness, and yet a rainbow of scents and sounds to keep her tail wagging rapidly to and fro. Some days are unremarkable, like any other day... nothing special, so it fades away into the background of our lives. Other days bring us a peacefulness that never fades, like today. Today was a keeper.

You can make your world

intense anticipation
of things to come
will transform
your possibilities
into reality

You can make your world

your desires
are the precursors
of the things
that you can have
they will in time
externalize themselves
into concrete fact

You can make your world

just as a small amount
of fire
makes a small amount
of heat
weak desires
bring weak results

You can make your world

live your life
with fire
with white
hot passion
always remember
if you care enough
for the end result
you'll almost certainly
attain it

You can make your world

enjoy the journey
of your life
you can
make it happen
if you believe

You can make your world

what desires
live in your veins
let no secret
suffocate your soul
allow nothing
to stifle
your will

You can make your world

with your hands
bend
stretch
shape
mold
this delicate
entity
that is our
existance

You can make your world

life's flavor
breathe it
savor it
while it's dripping
taste life
sticky sweet
like so many
cotton candy clouds
that melt
on the tounge

make it happen
You can make your world

I miss the ladies of the L word

Is anyone else having withdrawal?
I feel like I've lost some of my best friends.
I've got to order the DVD asap
and watch it all over again
Queer As Folk's last season ends soon
just a few weeks now.
I need chocolate
I need a lot of chocolate!
I also miss Sex and the City
and Ally McBeal.
Just when you get hooked on something
and make it a part of your routine
they cancel it
or make you wait months on end
for the next season.
Yeah, I think I'm having withdrawal.
If the chocolate doesn't work
maybe a visit to babes in toyland!
I miss the ladies of the L word...
so, where's the chocolate?

Goovin' Granny

turn up the volume
and click the link above

who's interviewing who?

Watching it all come full circle.
If you participated in an interview
and want your posted here, leave a message.
I will try to link you all soon.
Taken from Pack of 2's blog:

Monday, July 11, 2005

The following question & answers are from d (her link is on this page) to Angie...



1. If you could possess any super power, what would it be and why?
ESP. I've always wanted to know what people are thinking. So, just ask them, you might say. No, I want to know what they are thinking to the depths of their souls and you rarely get that in conversation. It's the need to protect yourself, I understand that, I do it myself.....revealing little bits of myself but not all of myself. I've always been fasinated with thoughts and emotions and the road we take to get to them. Maybe it's just the nosey neighbor in me?

2. If you could choose any famous person living or dead to spend the day with who would it be?
Princess Diana. What an extrodinary life and "too-soon" tragic end. She was an amazing woman who did so much for so many. I still cry when I watch video footage from her funeral....those poor little boys losing their beautiful mother at such a young age.

3.What one trait could a person possess that would bug the shit out of you?
Selfishness. If you have more than you need, give to those in need. You'll be rewarded tenfold from their gratitude.

4. If you had to eat just one meal at every meal for the rest of your life what would it be?
That's easy. Mexican food. With lots of sour cream and guacamole, please. Bring it on.........I'm getting hungry....

5. What is your favourite toy, book or game from childhood
"To Kill a Mockingbird" by Harper Lee seems to bring back the most memories. Great book. My mother gave it to me when I was nine years old and I fell in love with it. The little girl, Scout, was so much like me growing up. A little tree-climbing tomboy who would die before wearing a dress and though that "girl games" were boring. I still have to read it every few years.........and it still makes me laugh out loud and cry. If I had a daughter I would name her Scout.


Angie

posted by pack of 2 @ 6:01 PM

Sunday, July 10, 2005

I Am Being Interviewed By the Lovely Camielle (She is on my links if you don't already know her)

If you want to be interviewed by me...here's how it works:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions -- each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
Here were my questions and responses from Camielle. This was fun!



1. when you caught the butterfly (in the afore-mentioned list), what did it look like? did you let it go?
It was a Monarch butterfly (yellow & black with big wings.) I was 8 or 10 yrs old & unfortunately...I was a kid & thought I could catch a bunch of butterflies & let them fly around my room forever& it would be sooooo cool in my room. They did not live forever & I ended up killing several before my experiment ended. I did cry & have a funeral for each of them though. I have since learned my lesson & now only look at butterflies.
2. how old were you the first time you kissed a girl? and have you ever kissed RSG??? (i had to add that one, so you'll have six)
I was 18 when I kissed a girl for the first time & it was magic!! I ended up not going any further with it & claimed to be straight for a couple more years before coming out (I did manage to kiss a few more girls in secret in between.) I think all of the emotions freaked me out as I had never felt that kind of a rush with any guy I had ever kissed. After kissing a girl I figured out what all the fuss was about.

RSG & I NEVER kissed except for the typical girl friend kisses (non-sexual) from time-to-time. We did sleep in the same bed together more times than I can count & always "spooned" but we never did anything that would be considered anything that you would be talking about...Just friends!
She was emotionally like a girlfriend of sorts but it we never tried to explored it. I didn't want to ruin the relationship if it hadn't worked out so I never tried to get anything going with her. My relationship with her was more of a BFF thing...strictly platonic.
3. what do you hate more than anything in the world?
BIGOTS. I can't stand them. Anyone who discriminates against any person is a fucking shithead in my book & I will always tell them when given the chance. To these people I say something like, "Fuck off & mind your own business... from what I see, you have more problems in your life & skeletons in your closet than I would ever think about having in mine. "
4. what is your favorite curse word and how to you use it?
It is probably "fuck a duck." I think I say that more than most other cuss words; but as I said, I don't like to discriminate so I try to use ALL the cuss words equally:)

5. if you had to choose between these, which would you choose?
a) you can only look at other people's blogs, not post on your own
b) you can blog to your heart's content, but can't read others'
a) I would rather read blogs than post...This is an easy answer for me. I used to only read blogs & never really commented on other people's blogs until I started talking to d (she is on my links.) I got a blog so I could read RSG's stuff & branched out from there.


Ok...Who wants to be interviewed by me??? DON"T MAKE ME CALL YOU BY NAME!!!:)

Thanks to Camielle...It was fun:)

Taken from UnTyd:
Here are my answers (thanks for asking Sarah!):

1. Have you ever told a secret to someone after you swore to a friend that you wouldn't? Yes, but it takes me a lot to get to that point and it's only happened a few times that I can remember. By the time I tell someone what I swore I wouldn't, we're not friends anymore anyway because of something you probably did LMAO! Not proud of it, but we're all human. I try not to...my true friends never have to worry.

2. Have you ever taken office supplies home from work? And not returned them?
Umm, duh! But only when absolutely necessary ;0)

3. Do you pop your fingers? This sounds a lil dirty if you ask me! LMAO! Nah, I'm not into popping....fingers.

4. You have children that are behaving badly...would you spank them? No. I might pat their little behind, but I would NEVER hit a child..mine or anyone else's. On the other hand, I do endorse spanking grown adults..LMAO!

5. Do you have a hidden talent? If so, what is it? I can bend like a pretzel. You can do the math from there ;0)



Taken from It's all Smoke And Mirrors blog:

Interviews
Here's how it works:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions -- each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Here are the questions I got from shaymo and my answers:

1. what (besides mayonnaise) do you miss the most about the u.s?
My family and friends. I never thought I could live thousands of miles from them but I've learned to adjust. And I miss Mississippi - the whole of the South, really. Miss how I share a heritage with them, miss the landscape, the culture, the food. I miss how people speak with a familiar accent and perspective.

2. what's your favorite animal?
The koala. They're my kind of animal. They hang around in trees, nap, eat and make little koalas - I can't beat that for a lifestyle. And they smell like big cough drops.

3. what's the most exciting thing you've ever done/seen?
There are a few things I could pick but one that jumps to mind is the first inaguration of Bill Clinton. I was down in the crowd and I remember there being such an electric feeling of hope and optimism.

4. what's the most outrageous thing you've ever done for love?
Quit my good, steady job, packed as many clothes and non-fragile belongings as I could get in five suitcases, left the rest of my things - computer, CDs, furniture, other clothes, home accessories, etc. - with my sister and I moved to Germany. I didn't speak more than a few words in German and I'd only spent a total of twelve days with my then boyfriend that I'd met online but I made the move anyway. And in two weeks we'll be celebrating our sixth wedding anniversary.

5. when you shower, do you sing?
Oh sure. Mostly showtunes and old standards. Today I was singing How About You?.

I like New York in June
How about you?
I like a Gershwin tune
How about you?...


Taken from .RaNdoM.tHoUGhTs. blog:

Interview me!
I don't really tag others, but I think its fun playing along. Here are my responses from Shaymo, YAY have fun!

1. If you could visit one place anywhere in the world, where would it be? Although, I could name a hundred places I'd want to visit. If I had to choose just one, I'd say Rome. I'm not that regilious, but after reading Dan Brown's Angels & Demons, I'd love to visit there and learn more about the rich history of that place.

2. Do you sleep on your stomach or your back? On my back. Ya ya I've been told I snore - if I could stop doing it I would :(

3. How many people have you loved in your lifetime? Love. Ahhh love. I believe there are many different levels of love. I truly love both my parents (so that's 2), my sister (now 3) and the brother that I lost (4) and of course my aunt (so that's at least 5). But if I had to say someone I believed I loved as a partner, I think I could only say one (so 6 total). But that one was a drastic disappointment and was only really one sided. So I live on and try to love everyone now (if not at the depth of the aforementioned). And since my lifetime isn't over, I'd have to say Regis, my final answer would be everyone!

4. What do you say when you pick up the phone and it's a telemarketer? Hmmm interesting. I've had relatives that used to do that, so I try to be very polite and listen to their spiel (for as long as I can LOL). Then I just state, "Sorry I'm not interested"... they usually hang up on me.

5. What do you hate more than anything in the world? Bigotry. But as I said, I don't hate anyone, so therefore I can't even hate bigots - their attitude just makes me sad. I won't judge you, so don't judge me because of my choice of group, religion, race, politics, sexual preference, etcetera.
______________________
Whew! that was pretty deep for even me, I'd prefer to just stay the odd-ball and make everyone laugh! :P

Interview me!

Here's how it works:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions -- each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Okay, now you know the rules, who wants to play?


I was laughing while answering these questions! It was fun.
Camille, here are your answers:

1. if you could have any career you wanted, what would it be?

Any career? I assume you mean something other than my current career. Nursing has been very good to me, it has rewarded me on many levels. I'm not sure what I would choose, but it would be something fun like ROCK STAR, except I can't sing, or maybe something peaceful like a PAINTER, except I can't paint either, not canvas anyway.

Okay, I have it... a WRITER. It allows for travel, interaction with people, a way to educate or enlighten others, so if I could have any career, I choose a writer. I'll send you the book I've yet to write about someone I met with borderline personality disorder who I will call Sybil for the purpose of this post LOL!


2. what's the longest amount of continuous time you've been awake?

38 hours. I'd worked a 12 hour night shift, came home to a sick Pooh, my 18 yo terrier, and spent the next several hours taking care of her and ended up taking her to my wonderful NYC vet Dr Colin Dwyer, who is way too nice, where she had to spend the night. If memory serves Sarah and I went to some event that night and got home very late...or early as the case may be. By the way, I do not recommend EVER staying up for 38 consecutive hours!


3. how were you born?

I was born Cara Rene' in Hammond IN at St. Margaret's Hospital 3:21am, an uncomplicated vaginal delivery,(if you can say that about a baby that weighs 9 pounds 3 ounces), to 2 young parents: Marlene 19 and Charlie 22. Mom still says I made her eat all that cherry pie.



4. how many car accidents have you been in?

#1 An old model Dodge. 1982 This jerk named Doug Zander hit a parked car on the opposite side of the street at 4am just 2 houses down from where we dropped someone off after seeing Rocky Horror, I was the passenger. He lost 2 teeth. Does this really count as MY accident?

#2 1981 Ford Escort vs cow. 1986 Yes, I hit a cow. It was dark, no moon, drizzle. Rural highway (IN 55) 3am or so, pitch black, just like the cow that wandered into the road. Actually it was an entire heard! I was only driving about 50mph, when I realized that there was a brown and white cow's head in my path. I swerved only to clip the hind quarter of another poor creature. Well, better to be hit in the ass than the head right? Have you ever just out loud yelled at yourself? I kept repeating, OMG you hit a cow, shit, you hit a cow. You would have thought hitting a cow would total a Ford Escort, but there was just a small dent about 10 inches or so in my front quarter panel. Amazing.

#3 1986 Pontiac Grand Am vs deer. 1988 Same rural highway, deer runs into me, scurries away, leaves large dent. Hopefully she lived.

#4 1990 Toyota Celica GTS vs ice storm.1995 Same rural highway, ice storm, S curve, 6 cars sliding into ditches and fences but thankfully not each other. No damage but required being pulled out of the ravine.

#5 1990 Toyota Celica GTS vs motorcycle.1996 Backing out of my parent's driveway not noticing my brother's motorcycle, small ding for me, took off his mirror.

#6 1990 Toyota Celica GTS vs neighbor's car. 2005( remember she is 16 years old and I still have her) Neighbor backs into car parked outside a friend's house, huge dent in drivers side door. Repairs cost more than the car is worth. Took the money and ran. I guess the answer is 6!


5. what is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you?

At a very dark moment in my life, someone very close to my heart defended me vehemently in the face of great consequence. It was a defining moment in my life that I will never forget. She knows who she is.

holy moly a roly poly

My humble beginnings
about 3 months here
born 9 pounds 3 ounces
can't say how much at 3 months
something about this picture
makes me laugh
so I thought I would share
a smile or a laugh
and try to balance
some of my recent entries

my mom uses little phrases like
inky winky and holy moly
so the title has her thumbprint

a twin mattress & a loaf of bread

Okay, I know it's blurry. If he comes back tonight, and he's bound to since hes' been there for 4 days, I'll try to get a better shot. This is the street person who has made a camp next to our building. He's moved from the canopy of trees to the dumpster. He had a twin sized mattress but he must have soiled it badly because it is now in the dumpster and he has some cardboard boxes, maybe they travel better.

It's a well published fact that a great percentage of the homeless are either drug/alcohol addicted or psychotic. Also a documented fact, nearly all street people have been offered help but haven't taken it. I feel badly for the street people, I write my check to comic relief and other organizations, but I honestly don't want them camping on my lawn and pissing in my bushes. That sounds horrible I realize, but the truth is not always pretty. Seeing a grown man, filthy and infested and realizing that he has nothing but a loaf of bread and some boxes or a twin sized mattress that he dragged off the street or out of a dumpster disgusts me on more than one level. The co-dependent nurse in me wants to take him some hot chocolate and a sandwich, let him use the shower; the practical side of me knows if I do he will never leave and may grow so bold as to knock at my door on a regular basis. Someone out there is thinking it...I'm a terrible person for viewing him this way. Well, it's how I feel, can't avoid the truth, it's bugging me to have a strange dirty man camping in my space. I'm sure there is someone I could call, I just can't bring myself to do it.

a decent society is one that does not humiliate its members

Friends & Foes

This speech was forwarded to me. It is indeed remarkable in the world today. However,it should not be. To speak of the laws of governments protecting and fostering the "life,liberty,and pursuit of happiness" of each and every one of their citizens should be the most unremarkable and ordinary thing. Perhaps this speech is a herald of that future possibility. It is with the hope that other societies will see the need for change that I give this to you.


July 01, 2005
SPANISH PREMIER ZAPATERO'S REMARKABLE GAY MARRIAGE SPEECH
When the Spanish parliament yesterday took its historic vote legalizing both gay marriage and adoption of children by gay couples, Socialist Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero -- who put the full prestige of his office and party behind passage of the gay human rights legislation -- made probably the most remarkable speech in favor of full equality for those with same-sex hearts ever delivered by a head of government anywhere,in which he quoted two of the most illustrious gay poets in history. Here are excerpts from Zapatero's speech:

"We are not legislating, honorable members, for people far away and not known by us. We are enlarging the opportunity for happiness to our neighbors, our co-workers, our friends and, our families: at the same time we are making a more decent society, because a decent society is one that does not humiliate its members. In the poem 'The Family,' our [gay] poet Luis Cernuda was sorry because, 'How does man live in denial in vain by giving rules that prohibit and condemn?'

Today, the Spanish society answers to a group of people who, during many years have, been humiliated, whose rights have been ignored, whose dignity has been offended, their identity denied, and their liberty oppressed.

Today the Spanish society grants them the respect they deserve, recognizes their rights, restores their dignity, affirms their identity, and restores their liberty.

It is true that they are only a minority, but their triumph is everyone's triumph. It is also the triumph of those who oppose this law, even though they do not know this yet: because it is the triumph of Liberty. Their victory makes all of us (even those who oppose the law) better people, it makes our society better.

Honorable members, There is no damage to marriage or to the concept of family in allowing two people of the same sex to get married. To the contrary, what happens is this class of Spanish citizens get the potential to organize their lives with the rights and privileges of marriage and family.

There is no danger to the institution of marriage, but precisely the opposite: this law enhances and respects marriage. Today, conscious that some people and institutions are in a profound disagreement with this change in our civil law, I wish to express that, like other reforms to the marriage code that preceded this one, this law will generate no evil, that its only consequence will be the avoiding of senseless suffering of decent human beings. A society that avoids senseless suffering of decent human beings is a better society.

With the approval of this Bill, our country takes another step in the path of liberty and tolerance that was begun by the democratic change of government. Our children will look at us incredulously if we tell them that many years ago, our mothers had less rights than our fathers, or if we tell them that people had to stay married against their will even though they were unable to share their lives. Today we can offer them a beautiful lesson: every right gained, each access to liberty has been the result of the struggle and sacrifice of many people that deserve our recognition and praise.

Today we demonstrate with this Bill that societies can better themselves and can cross barriers and create tolerance by putting a stop to the unhappiness and humiliation of some of our citizens. Today, for many of our countrymen, comes the day predicted by Kavafis [the great Greek gay poet,] one century ago:

'Later 'twas said of the most perfect society/someone else, made like
me/certainly will come out and act freely.' "

using celebrity

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie, can you fit any more eye candy than that into one movie? A friend of mine is gaga over AJ, so gaga that she has devoted an entire room to the movie Tomb Raider by painting huge murals on each of the walls, all of which AJ is the focus. I don't think I could ever go that far, but you have to admit, she's much more appealing without Billy Bob at her side. That dark freakish beauty suddenly has a fresh appeal, and as it turns out, a soft heart. Adopting another child is the big buzz, this one left an orphan by HIV/AIDS in Africa. Sure, AJ is sexy, but I do admire her for what she has done with her celebrity to bring attention to the horrible things that are happening every day in Africa.

I cannot even fathom being born to that culture, and after seeing a clip of the show Oprah did on baby rape by men who believe that if they have sex with a child that they will be cured of HIV/AIDS, I cannot imagine not speaking out about the atrocities that are every day occurences in these African communities. That being said, Jesus Christ, let's educate these people. The G8 conference hopefully will be a step in the right direction. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that GW Bush and the other 7 will do the right thing. Isn't it strangely odd that Africa was the only place on earth that would have voted for GW Bush?,(other than our red in the middle country that is), but that's over and done, no sense in restating the obvious.

Anyone who knows someone with HIV knows the fear and the emotional tension that goes hand in hand with it, but can you imagine your mother, father and siblings having it as well as yourself? How does anyone hold on to hope when a virus is killing them off at alarming rates?

Brad Pitt did an interview with Diane Sawyer, did anyone see it? He was clearly upset, clearly touched by the knowledge that he has so much and they have so little. That a dollar a day could buy so much for a child in Africa. AJ & Brad have millions but the exposure they have bought Africa by using their celebrity to evoke a positive change is worth much more. I'm not one that believes that entertainers and athletes should make millions while our teachers and fire fighters are making so little, but I will give credit to those who want to make a difference in the world. I applaud them for trying to change what seems to be an impossible situation. Some things seem impossible, until they aren't. I think at long last someone has taken a cue from Oprah, who gives so much toward education and building schools in Africa. Go Oprah, Go Angelina, Go Brad! If we can crash a satellite into a comet, why can't we get rid of HIV/AIDS? Let's turn up the pressure, and pray the G8 sees the light.

turn him straight, reckless religious activities

Another red state in action...

Youth's blog stirs uproar over 'ex-gay' camp

SUMMARY: A youth's online postings about being sent to a rigid "ex-gay" program has troubled LGBT leaders and sparked daily protests at the ministry's Tennessee headquarters.

Sixteen-year-old "Zach" is apparently enduring a rite of passage still too common for gay youth: His parents say he must change. When they enrolled him last month in a Christian camp-like program to turn him straight, he documented his fears in his online diary, or blog.

The PlanetOut Network could not confirm Zach's identity or his story, but the blog has sparked a firestorm of protest against the program, known as Refuge, and renewed scrutiny of similar "ministries."

A residential program run by Memphis, Tenn.-based Love in Action (LIA), Refuge "ministers to adolescents struggling with broken and addictive behaviors, such as promiscuity, alcohol and drug addiction and homosexuality," according to its Web site.

An estimated total of 150 people -- including parents, children, psychiatrists and other concerned Memphis residents carrying signs that have slogans such as "This is Child Abuse" -- have gathered over eight consecutive days outside LIA headquarters. On Thursday LIA held a press conference in response to the protests.

For LIA, homosexuality is not an orientation but a set of behaviors that lies at the root of all dysfunction. And homosexual desires can supposedly be reprogrammed, through Refuge, at a cost of $2,000 for two weeks, or $4,000 for six weeks.

Patterned after teen drug and alcohol programs, Refuge minimizes contact with familiar things that it claims encourage homosexual behavior: no secular music, no more than 15 minutes per day behind a closed bathroom door, no contact with any practicing homosexuals, no masturbation, no secular music, and -- for reasons not explained -- no Calvin Klein underwear.

The rules above were posted on Zach's blog, which has been inactive since June 3. The policies were confirmed by Alex Polotsky, a spokesman for Queer Action Coalition, a Memphis group formed to provide alternative information for struggling youth.

"Nobody can be straight enough in the program," said Polotsky, whose group staged the protests outside LIA. "We're outraged at the treatment youths receive [in Refuge]."

Exodus International, an umbrella organization for nearly all regional "ex-gay" ministries, provides funding and marketing support for groups such as LIA, Lifeguard Ministries, New Hope Ministries and others. Although "reparative therapy" for homosexuality has been denounced by the mainstream psychological community as tantamount to abuse, "ex-gay" ministries offer hope to conflicted parents (usually devoutly religious and conservative) who are unwilling or unable to accept their kids' sexuality or seek traditional counseling.

Youth (and adults) who enter "ex-gay" programs may suffer from genuine self-destructive behaviors that go far beyond their struggle with same-sex attraction, said Wayne Besen, who wrote the book "Anything But Straight" about the "ex-gay" movement.

"To get help they have to swallow the lie that it's because they are gay that they're having these problems. It works by confusing people. It doesn't matter to them that they don't get results. They get a lot of money from people who really believe this stuff."

"Love in Action seems to be the worst of these reckless religious activities," said Craig Bowman, executive director of the National Youth Advocacy Coalition. "These programs are dangerous because they systematically work on a young person's psyche using junk science as a foundation."

Jack Drescher, M.D., a New York-based psychiatrist and chair of the American Psychiatric Association Committee on LGBT Issues, told the PlanetOut Network that such programs do far more harm than good for impressionable teens. "They may delay the child's coming out for many years, but by the time they are ready to come out, there's been a lot of psychological damage."

Shawn O'Donnell spent eight years in and out of therapy to change his sexual orientation. As a depressed and suicidal 18-year-old, O'Donnell was referred by his pastor to a three-year residential program, New Hope Ministry, located 10 miles from San Francisco. O'Donnell said it only made his issues worse.

"It was hell, very controlling. We couldn't be alone. We were always told to pray harder, and it made us feel ashamed that we weren't using the program correctly," he recalled.

Peterson Toscano spent 17 years and $30,000 to get straight as an adult, but nothing worked. Now a "performance activist" in Connecticut, Toscano has toured the United States and Europe with a satirical theater piece about his two years in LIA.

"'Ex-gay' programs use the term 'gay lifestyle,' which to them includes unsafe sex [and] emotionally dependent relationships," Toscano said. "They know they can't really turn anyone straight, but they can make them not live the 'gay lifestyle.' They are purposely deceiving people."

Though relatively few people participate in 'ex-gay' programs, Drescher believes their influence goes far beyond changing individuals. "They are a pawn in the culture war," he said. "They support the idea that homosexuality can be changed, therefore it is a lifestyle and not worthy of civil rights legislation."

Drescher pointed to an 'ex-gay' convention called Love Won Out, organized by the anti-gay Focus on the Family and held in Texas to coincide with the state legislature's biennial sessions.

"The timing is not a coincidence," he said. "Their purpose is to shape public policy."

a touch of pink

Meet Mr Winkle. So adorable I can't help but share.